Parenting

What are some of the purposes of parenting? Some have come up with a theory that it is to protect and prepare children to survive and thrive in the world. What do you think? I also feel like proper parenting can better the current population, adults and children alike. Here are some benefits parenting has: The Parent: Is learning many things while caring for children Is maturing Is practicing selflessness Is learning to love during difficult and easy times Is understanding and becoming more like God The child: Is being taught moral standards Can be learning of their divine heritage Is learning to choose between good and bad Can be offered corrective feedback Is learning to foster individuality Is learning to love and experience love Is learning acceptance Is learning how to have deep, close, tight bonds Is preparing to be self-sufficient One researcher gives 5 ballast points for raising children. Courage, Self-Esteem, Responsibility, Cooperation, and Respect. In addition to this, he says that every child has 5 things they need. The first being Contact and Belonging, the next is Power, third is Protection, then Withdrawal, and, last, Challenges. Each of these needs has a way they are met negatively. For example, power. If a child feels powerless growing up, that can lead to them wanting to control others or rebel. Children need to have age appropriate choices given to them, responsibility, and natural consequences for their choice. A consequence is not always bad, just a natural reaction to the choice. There doesn't need to be a punishment inflicted for their choices, especially if that punishment is used to control your child. The only time you shouldn't allow the natural consequences for a choice or action are when they are too severe (like a broken limb), too far off (we'll let you skip high school because when you're 40, you'll learn your lesson), or when others are affected. Be wise in your parenting, what can I say more?

Families in Crisis

All families experience crisis, just the same as every individual experiences crisis. Crisis in Chinese are the two symbols meaning danger and opportunity. What an interesting tidbit, no? To know that a crisis is indeed a danger of some kind, yet also an opportunity. A crisis in the family is different than an individual crisis, simply because the crisis is shared, and you are not the sole focus, but also others. One very popular model used to describe the steps through crisis are ABCX. A is the actual event, B is responses and resources of both or all people involved. C is the cognition, or how the event is defined, and then X is the total experience. Different families also may have multiple crisis going on, or have had a crisis in the past that changes how they react to the current crisis. Things like life experience, marital experience, being together, having outside help from a community or neighbors, and even perspective of life after death can affect how we respond to these crisis. So, what are some helpful things families can do to make the crisis easier to handle? Husband and wife being open and honest with each other. Having no secrets. Good parent/child relationships, lots of trust from both sides. Children knowing how to resolve arguments with each other in a loving, understanding way. Of course they would love each other, and spend time together. There would be reliability all around. So, how does your family react to crisis? Is there anything that is potentially harmful in the way it is handled? Perhaps you can sit with your family and make plans to make it better when it does come, because crisis will come. So come what may, and love it!

More on Relationships

This week was very insightful. I don't know if I can put all my words together and make it sound good, but here it goes. Remember DCEM. That stands for Dating, Courtship Engagement, and Marriage. In dating, you want to meet and date many people and do many different activities with them. In courtship, or serious dating, you are more exclusive, it's boyfriend and girlfriend, you get there with a "DTR", which some call a define the relationship. Engagement comes after a time of courting, and it's during this time you plan the wedding and your living situation after marriage, as well as any other things that marriage deals with. Dating is good because the man can practice 'protecting' the woman and 'providing' for her, whereas the woman can practice nurturing. So, during engagement, again, you're planning the wedding, you can involve families, as long as you establish proper boundaries. The proposal itself should be thoughtful, special, and planned ahead. That does not mean it has to be expensive. And speaking of expensive, a study showed more success among married couples who spent 2,500$ or less on their wedding ring than those couples who spent more. Within a marriage, you have to plan for things like adjusting to the mundane together, lifestyle changes, joining money, sharing space, time, obligations, negotiating. You have to budget time and money. You have to think about what is good for both. Most of these can be practiced while dating, courting, and being engaged.

Relationships: The Making

Last week we discussed relationships in all forms, from friends, to dating, to fiancees, to spouses. It was a pretty good talk between those who are married giving advice, and those who are single offering their insights. One thing especially that we talked about is the Relationship Attachment Module, and I will do my best to demonstrate what it looks like. There are five vertical parallel lines in a row and each one has a word below it. The first one is Know, the second is Trust, the third Rely, the fourth Commit, and the last Touch. On the first line, Know, that should be the highest, meaning you should know someone in any relationship, even the friend relationship, more than any of the other things on the list. Second, Trust, so you shouldn't trust someone more than you know them, but you should trust them more than you rely on them. Third, you should rely on someone more than you commit, and you should commit more than you have touch. This is why a relationship that goes the other way, with mostly physical touch and then commitment doesn't often work as well, because both involved don't know someone. Or you may trust and commit to someone you don't know. Some great ways to know someone is to have togetherness. You have got to take time to get to know a person in many different ways, through different activities. That is so especially true when dating, courting, and getting married. When you can, you need to talk. You need self disclosure. Each person reciprocates how much the other gives, and as any relationship deepens, so too can the conversation and level of self disclosure. Finally, time. This seems like a given, but ties in to the other two. Time must be spent together to improve a relationship. That could be phone calls and Skype or Facetime, but preferably face to face, same room stuff. As a small afterthought, physical appearance does play a part in relationships, and that is quite fine. As long as you don't base stereotypes or other negative connotations to someone's physical traits, then all is well.

Born that way? Perhaps bred? Both?

This week was very eye opening. First, I'll pose this to all you out there: Can same sex attraction be overcome, or is it something that we are born with? Or, is same sex attraction a product of an environment someone is raised in? As we know, children are born with a wide variety of temperament, and lets say the far left is aggressive and the far right is more passive. If we generalize, then boys tend to be on the aggressive side, while girls are generalized on the right. But what about if a girl is a bit more on the aggressive side? What if she plays more sports and likes to hunt, get dirty, etc., things we associate with boys? We tend to label a girl as a 'Tom Boy', and that is endearing. Yet, if a boy prefers to play with Barbies, or doesn't want to play sports, or is more passive and emotional in nature, we label him as effeminate or as a femme, which we associate with negative qualities. Does this mean your son is gay? Does this mean he is a girl spirit in a male body? Absolutely not. It just means your son has a different temperament. We have inborn differences, and around age 5, we start to pick our preferences in what we play with and who we play with. As early as here, we can start being outcast because of not being like the general population. Then, during some crucial times between ages 8-11 those who are different really face rejection by peers. I say this is crucial because during the years of puberty, we seek the acceptance of those around us, especially those of the same sex, but we also find the exotic becomes erotic. What is unusual for us becomes sought after. So if we didn't get the proper emotional love, then that is what we seek. I would not say this is homosexual, but more homo-romantic. That we desire the emotional connection with our peers of the same gender. Other contributing factors during a boys early life may be bullying, lack of a father's love and appropriate physical touch, such as hugs, and a smothering or authoritarian mother. Even something as terrible as being raped or molested by an older male may contribute to a feeling of same sex attraction. Now it's puberty, around ages 11-13, and people are perceiving they are different. They are trying to figure out their sexualization while trying to gain acceptance, and that is hard. Guys start calling each other gay, or queer, as insults, and it becomes the usual thing to toss back and forth. But the labeling is detrimental! Don't label people! The most important sex organ is your brain, and the more you're told something, either by yourself or by others, that is what you start to believe. These life experiences can lead someone to believe they have same sex attraction. For those who say it's a born trait, consider this. A popularly quoted study says a 'gay gene' was found, but the man who actually did the research said that no gay gene was found. There were a few similarities between the genes of a few gay or lesbian people, but not a single 'gay gene'. Consider this also: a study was done in Australia where 33,000 twins were brought in and asked if one or both of them were gay. When one of them identified as gay, only 11% of their twins said they were also gay. If this was genetic, 100% should have identified gay if their twin did also. One last thing to think about: Are we helping or hurting the transgender population by allowing them to do the surgery of changing genders? Even if we find that they are 19 times more likely to commit suicide after the surgery as compared to before. Does that really solve the issue of depression for these people? I don't know. For both same sex attraction and transgenders, I am still trying to learn more.

Socioeconomic Classes? "The center of culture is the cult"

For the last week of September, we discussed our perception of classes in the United States. The definition of culture is the customs, attitudes, and beliefs that distinguish one group from another. We can't say race just by itself is our culture. We can't say the country we live in is all that our culture is. Rather, our experiences in life, our religion, even little quirks about our family can affect our culture. In our society, we like to label people into a certain class. Upper class, middle class, lower class, and even groups like preps, cowboys, skaters, cheerleaders, etc., etc. Because of stereotypes, there are outside forces that push on classes, pushing us down, or shoving us up. Class is simply one factor of culture. Things that affect our class are money, education, lineage, where you live, your mannerisms, your speech, and your occupation. Regardless of where you are, having limited parental access affects development and behavior. So, does it matter what class you are, in the sense of what is best for families? Is upper class better for your kids than lower class? Why all the need to distinguish whether you are this or that, why label yourself? Do we label to feel better about ourselves? Does it go the other way, and cause depression among people? Lastly, what are your thoughts on quantitative research, or, research with large numbers, versus qualitative research, meaning research of small focus groups with lots of questions about thoughts and feelings during said research? Ponder which is best. Or, perhaps, it depends on the research.

Tabula Rasa

Friends Welcome! This week was a week of new beginnings for me! I am a night custodian, and since there is no music, I find there is a lot of time to think and to ponder. Can you read the ponderings of a custodian who gets little sleep? I love to think about families in this day and age. I think about what a family means to us, and how much a family means to us. I come from a family of 7, 5 children, a mother, and a father. We have had difficulties, but we love each other and enjoy spending time together. My family is wacky, and I love it! My Dad and Mom usually get a movie and a half quoted around them every night at the dinner table! We all laugh uproariously. But you aren't here for that. This week I was studying a brief given to the Supreme Court about how children from homosexual parents are at no disadvantage from those of heterosexual parents. Being a novice researcher, but an avid reader with a thirst to learn, I delved into the depths of the study! No sooner had I embarked past the second page when I noticed something about the research that was used to prove the above stated point: many of the studies had little to do with the subject, and others had no comparison groups of heterosexual parents. Not only that, but some that did have comparison groups were single mothers or fathers, who are shown to be at a disadvantage to families that have a Father and a Mother! I was fascinated by this! I have no degree in Psychology, and could not attempt a brief such as the one I read yet, but I was amazed as I read through it! If you have not read the brief, I would encourage you to read it for yourself! Such an adventure to be had! I look forward to gaining more knowledge and experience in the subjects ahead, and will be posting weekly about things I have learned! Until then, tally ho!