More on Relationships

This week was very insightful. I don't know if I can put all my words together and make it sound good, but here it goes. Remember DCEM. That stands for Dating, Courtship Engagement, and Marriage. In dating, you want to meet and date many people and do many different activities with them. In courtship, or serious dating, you are more exclusive, it's boyfriend and girlfriend, you get there with a "DTR", which some call a define the relationship. Engagement comes after a time of courting, and it's during this time you plan the wedding and your living situation after marriage, as well as any other things that marriage deals with. Dating is good because the man can practice 'protecting' the woman and 'providing' for her, whereas the woman can practice nurturing. So, during engagement, again, you're planning the wedding, you can involve families, as long as you establish proper boundaries. The proposal itself should be thoughtful, special, and planned ahead. That does not mean it has to be expensive. And speaking of expensive, a study showed more success among married couples who spent 2,500$ or less on their wedding ring than those couples who spent more. Within a marriage, you have to plan for things like adjusting to the mundane together, lifestyle changes, joining money, sharing space, time, obligations, negotiating. You have to budget time and money. You have to think about what is good for both. Most of these can be practiced while dating, courting, and being engaged.

Relationships: The Making

Last week we discussed relationships in all forms, from friends, to dating, to fiancees, to spouses. It was a pretty good talk between those who are married giving advice, and those who are single offering their insights. One thing especially that we talked about is the Relationship Attachment Module, and I will do my best to demonstrate what it looks like. There are five vertical parallel lines in a row and each one has a word below it. The first one is Know, the second is Trust, the third Rely, the fourth Commit, and the last Touch. On the first line, Know, that should be the highest, meaning you should know someone in any relationship, even the friend relationship, more than any of the other things on the list. Second, Trust, so you shouldn't trust someone more than you know them, but you should trust them more than you rely on them. Third, you should rely on someone more than you commit, and you should commit more than you have touch. This is why a relationship that goes the other way, with mostly physical touch and then commitment doesn't often work as well, because both involved don't know someone. Or you may trust and commit to someone you don't know. Some great ways to know someone is to have togetherness. You have got to take time to get to know a person in many different ways, through different activities. That is so especially true when dating, courting, and getting married. When you can, you need to talk. You need self disclosure. Each person reciprocates how much the other gives, and as any relationship deepens, so too can the conversation and level of self disclosure. Finally, time. This seems like a given, but ties in to the other two. Time must be spent together to improve a relationship. That could be phone calls and Skype or Facetime, but preferably face to face, same room stuff. As a small afterthought, physical appearance does play a part in relationships, and that is quite fine. As long as you don't base stereotypes or other negative connotations to someone's physical traits, then all is well.

Born that way? Perhaps bred? Both?

This week was very eye opening. First, I'll pose this to all you out there: Can same sex attraction be overcome, or is it something that we are born with? Or, is same sex attraction a product of an environment someone is raised in? As we know, children are born with a wide variety of temperament, and lets say the far left is aggressive and the far right is more passive. If we generalize, then boys tend to be on the aggressive side, while girls are generalized on the right. But what about if a girl is a bit more on the aggressive side? What if she plays more sports and likes to hunt, get dirty, etc., things we associate with boys? We tend to label a girl as a 'Tom Boy', and that is endearing. Yet, if a boy prefers to play with Barbies, or doesn't want to play sports, or is more passive and emotional in nature, we label him as effeminate or as a femme, which we associate with negative qualities. Does this mean your son is gay? Does this mean he is a girl spirit in a male body? Absolutely not. It just means your son has a different temperament. We have inborn differences, and around age 5, we start to pick our preferences in what we play with and who we play with. As early as here, we can start being outcast because of not being like the general population. Then, during some crucial times between ages 8-11 those who are different really face rejection by peers. I say this is crucial because during the years of puberty, we seek the acceptance of those around us, especially those of the same sex, but we also find the exotic becomes erotic. What is unusual for us becomes sought after. So if we didn't get the proper emotional love, then that is what we seek. I would not say this is homosexual, but more homo-romantic. That we desire the emotional connection with our peers of the same gender. Other contributing factors during a boys early life may be bullying, lack of a father's love and appropriate physical touch, such as hugs, and a smothering or authoritarian mother. Even something as terrible as being raped or molested by an older male may contribute to a feeling of same sex attraction. Now it's puberty, around ages 11-13, and people are perceiving they are different. They are trying to figure out their sexualization while trying to gain acceptance, and that is hard. Guys start calling each other gay, or queer, as insults, and it becomes the usual thing to toss back and forth. But the labeling is detrimental! Don't label people! The most important sex organ is your brain, and the more you're told something, either by yourself or by others, that is what you start to believe. These life experiences can lead someone to believe they have same sex attraction. For those who say it's a born trait, consider this. A popularly quoted study says a 'gay gene' was found, but the man who actually did the research said that no gay gene was found. There were a few similarities between the genes of a few gay or lesbian people, but not a single 'gay gene'. Consider this also: a study was done in Australia where 33,000 twins were brought in and asked if one or both of them were gay. When one of them identified as gay, only 11% of their twins said they were also gay. If this was genetic, 100% should have identified gay if their twin did also. One last thing to think about: Are we helping or hurting the transgender population by allowing them to do the surgery of changing genders? Even if we find that they are 19 times more likely to commit suicide after the surgery as compared to before. Does that really solve the issue of depression for these people? I don't know. For both same sex attraction and transgenders, I am still trying to learn more.

Socioeconomic Classes? "The center of culture is the cult"

For the last week of September, we discussed our perception of classes in the United States. The definition of culture is the customs, attitudes, and beliefs that distinguish one group from another. We can't say race just by itself is our culture. We can't say the country we live in is all that our culture is. Rather, our experiences in life, our religion, even little quirks about our family can affect our culture. In our society, we like to label people into a certain class. Upper class, middle class, lower class, and even groups like preps, cowboys, skaters, cheerleaders, etc., etc. Because of stereotypes, there are outside forces that push on classes, pushing us down, or shoving us up. Class is simply one factor of culture. Things that affect our class are money, education, lineage, where you live, your mannerisms, your speech, and your occupation. Regardless of where you are, having limited parental access affects development and behavior. So, does it matter what class you are, in the sense of what is best for families? Is upper class better for your kids than lower class? Why all the need to distinguish whether you are this or that, why label yourself? Do we label to feel better about ourselves? Does it go the other way, and cause depression among people? Lastly, what are your thoughts on quantitative research, or, research with large numbers, versus qualitative research, meaning research of small focus groups with lots of questions about thoughts and feelings during said research? Ponder which is best. Or, perhaps, it depends on the research.